Jane the Killer: Hyper British Nazi Edition
{{NSFW}}
''Author's Note: Inspired by the trollpasta Jeff the Killer: Hyper Brtish Edition by Captain Wuggins''
Listen cunts, the only reason I'm going out of me way to tell any of you this is because the Jeff the Killer Fanbase is making me nan sore with anger.
My name is Jane Gruber and this is how I first fancied Jeff, the reason why I want to give him a proper rumble, and why I want to shag him.
When I heard that a family of turncoat yanks had moved in across the street, I wasn't that surprised. It was a nice, British neighborhood and the home was bloody cheap, considering where it was. I guess I was about 13-14 (Because this type of Jeff the Killer fanbase is littered with neo-nazi pedophiles) when everything went sixes and sevens.
I never really talked to Jeff when he moved in. In fact, I never talked to him until... that night. My first impression of Jeff was that he was a proper, pure Aryan chav. Probably got high marks, rarely got into fights, and maybe even a randy guy if he shagged with someone.
His brother, Liu, seemed like he put family first by the way he sat, spread eagle with a hole in his jeans' crotch, with his brother on the sidewalk. Of course, I was just guessing at the time and only figured they were just a couple blokes because I really couldn't care less about them at the time.
I wasn't surprised when I saw Jacob and his blokes go up to Jeff and Liu on that toffee crisp skateboard of his. Jacob was nothing, but a grammar bully. He would pick on anyone who used tense swaps and bad punctuation. He was even the reason why my parents drove me to school instead of letting me take the double-decker bus like everyone else. Everyone had their pounds and quids given to Jacob and his hooligans because of some "Patreon pledge" that he demanded from everyone. We all knew that Jacob's group had plastic forks and threatened to poke us if we ever told anyone about the money they nicked from the other chavs. Everyone, except the yanks they were trying to intimidate.
When I saw Jacob talking to them through the window, I just looked away. It was wanker thing to do, but I had better things to do than watch another poor bloke hand over his money to Jacob... like watch Triumph of the Will on repeat. Alas, plot contrivance got the better of me and I looked up a few seconds later. Jeff was getting up as it looked like Jacob already had what he wanted. His goons started eating crisps for no reason.
"Just sit down," I thought. "Don't be a wanker". Then, I saw Jeff hook Jacob in the gabba. I was speechless... and in love.
"Oh my god." I whispered. Then, I yelled, "You bloody plank!"
My parents ran down the stairs and yelled at me to shut my bloody mouth. Then, they looked outside and saw what was going on. Jeff had already poked the skinny chav (I think his name was Toby) and he went down, screaming in pain. Matt only went down with a single punch. Since me home was across the street from where Jeff and his brother were sitting, we saw the whole rumble. That reminded me of the time some hooligans knocked over a dust bin in Shaftesbury.
It was bamboozling watching Jeff fight. He was fancying himself too much. I felt a knot in me gut like something was happening when it shouldn't be. Then, I realised that it was just the irritable bowels again. Next thing I knew, there were sounds of bobby sirens and the new chavs bolted out of there. The bobbies came around with the double-decker bus driver to check on the "victims". It seemed they were going to be alright. You know, considering the amount of shite kicked out of them.
My parents had a strict "No bobbies" policy ever since me dad quit the bobbies after accidentally burning the eyes out of some kidney-eating, Yankee bloke named Jack with a wand. When we heard the sirens, we went into the garage, got into the car, and left. When my parents dropped me off at Primary School, they told me that they didn't want me talking to Jeff ever or they would beat me again. They wouldn't understand my feelings. I had art class first, so I didn't see Jeff until the end of school.
I can still see the colours in my artwork if I think hard enough, but when I try to look at anything now, it all seems gray. I guess that's the price some dolt pays for posting photoshopped Nazi pictures on DeviantArt.
When I saw Jeff near the end of school, he seemed... mad. At first, I thought he was just faking the joy, so people wouldn't suspect him for the rumble that he did, but he really was fancying himself. The smile he wore looked goofy to me. It was the smile of a madman. The second that bell rang, I bolted out those doors as fast as I could. Nobody knew who Jeff really was... A randy, teaboo nutter.
The next day, I saw a bobby car in front of Jeff's house. "Looks like they got you, yank." I thought.
Nobody could have gotten away with something like that (Except for knocking over dust bins in Shaftesbury), but I was wrong with who they arrested. Instead of coming out with Jeff, like I thought they would, the bobbies came out with Liu.
I was beginning to think that the Yankee mung framed his brother for the proper rumble. However, he came out of the house, pleading.
"Liu, tell them I did it!" He exclaimed.
I couldn't hear what Liu said in reply to Jeff's whinging, but it couldn't have been what Jeff wanted to hear. A few seconds later, the bobbies drove off with Liu. Jeff was left outside with his mum. A few minutes later, she went inside the house and left Jeff outside. Although I couldn't hear him from across the street, I could tell that he was crying. I couldn't hear him, but I could hear him.
The next day, rumors about Liu were spreading like wildfire. At first, everyone was afraid to talk about Jacob getting his arse handed to him, but when they heard that he wouldn't be coming back to school for a few days, everyone decided to take advantage of that and enjoy those days for as much as possible. Lots of random bullshit started popping up.
"I heard that the Liu yank showed Toby a picture of Creepypasta hentai!"
"Oh yeah? I heard that Liu hit Matt so hard in the stomach that he sicked toad-in-the-hole!"
"That's nothing! I heard that he punched Jacob so hard in his paving slab of a face that he now thinks Sonic.EXE Round 2 is a good story!"
Personally, I didn't want anything to do with those yanks, but Jeff looked so miserable that I had to do something. So I wrote him a note, telling him that we should shag some time. I left the note, signed with a letter "J" inside of a heart, at his desk and left the room before class started. When I came back, Jeff was at his desk and the note was gone. He looked a bit creeped out.
Saturday came and I was home alone while me parents were at work. The Reginald chav next door was having a birthday party. At the time, I left me window open because I wanted a nice breeze in my room while I was reading Mein Kampf. However, the bloody chavs were getting so loud that I was about to throw a makeshift mustard gas bomb out the window. I was about to shout 'Fuck off, ya wee little cunts' when I saw Jeff playing with the chavs. He was running around, wearing one of those fake tourist costumes with a top-hat and mugging the other kids with a plastic gun. He looked so ridiculous that I had to laugh.
"Maybe, he isn't the mad nutter I think he is." I thought. "Maybe, he could be the Adolf to my Eva."
As I was watching Jeff through binoculars with "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger playing on my Satanic iPod Touch, I saw Jacob, Toby, and Matt jump over the fence on their skateboards. Well, Jacob and Toby jumped over the fence. Matt crashed through it and he was riding a scooter.
"Fuck sake, man!" I said to the open window.
I saw Jacob and Jeff shooting the shit, but I couldn't hear what they said over the sound of the bloody chavs yelling and screaming. Then, Jacob ran to Jeff and tackled him. I was about to grab the phone and dial the bobbies when I heard Matt and Toby shout, "No one interrupts or spells will fly! MUA HA HA HA HAA!" I looked out the window again and saw that they both had wands in their hands. I couldn't have called for help without endangering the lives of others. I couldn't have called the bobbies anyway because of the common Plot Contrivance Flu.
Jeff was on his side, getting kicked by Jacob in the bollocks, when he grabbed his foot and twisted it. Jacob fell over and Jeff tried to walk back to the house. Then, Matt grabbed him by his American neck-fat and threw him inside the house. I heard glass breaking and I knew that they were going to snuff him.
"Jacob, you plunker!" I screamed.
I couldn't wait anymore, so I ran to my parents' bedroom and searched for me dad's cellphone, hoping that he forgot it at home. My heart was pounding in my chest, rather than my bum. I finally found the phone next to some German WW2 memorabilia. I wasted no time ringing the bobbies.
"Bobby department, what's your emergency?"
"There's a rumble going on next door! Some cunts jumped the fence and are now kicking some poor sod's bollocks! They've got wands, you need to hurry!"
"Okay love, I need you to tell me the address and I'll send help right away."
I quickly told the operator my address and the address of the house next door.
"Please hurry!" I said.
"It's okay, just stay on the lin-" CRASH!
I heard a loud crash from next door. I yelped and dropped the phone. With luck, it landed on the ground, but it broke. My father had one of those fiber glass phones. I ran to my bedroom window to try and figure out what was going on. Jeff had just suplexed Jacob from the roof onto a table of assorted puddings because we're in England. Jacob was lying there motionless, his Burberry trench coat ruined. I heard screaming like someone was on fire...
I'm going to make Jeff scream like that again... when we shag. The only thing I can compare it to is the death cry of der juden schweindhund. It was, at the time, horrifying, but now, it sounds like that band everyone loves, The Beatles, to me and there is nothing I want to hear more in the world than him screaming... in pleasure, not in pain, as I straddle his face- Wha... where was I? Oh, right.
I saw fire beaming inside the house like an angry bloke after reading The Origin of Laughing Jack. Immediately, I ran downstairs, grabbed the fire extinguisher from the kitchen, and ran outside. Luckily, the door was unlocked as I barged in, but when I saw Jeff, I completely froze.
He was on the floor, engulfed in flames, as his parents were dumping bowls of keys on him. I figured I could help by throwing the extinguisher at his head. Suddenly, I started feeling knackered. What I last saw before I went on me nap was some of the adults running to me.
When I came to, I was in a gurney wearing one of those bloody gowns that a patient wears. A nurse came in a few moments later. She looked like she didn't want to be there because she knew I was also a Nazi fetishist. I asked her what happened.
"All I know is that you were brought in with a few other chavs because you fell like a plank." She said, annoyed.
Then, I remembered Jeff. "One of the mates that came in here with me, the one with the burns... is he going to be alright?"
"Listen, you bloody anti-Semite. There were two boys who came in with you that had burns. I could ask you to be specific, but I'm not letting you see him just because he's your Aryan lover."
I felt the heat and blood rise in my face because I was actually a living anime caricature. "He isn't my lover, you wank-stain twat! I'm just worried about him! Wouldn`t you be worried about some bloke you just saw burning alive in front of you?!" I tried to keep me voice steady, but my voice quivered enough to make it sound like I was lying.
"Whatever Isla, She-Wolf of the SS. Your parents are here, by the way. Wanna see them?" She asked.
"Yes, of course!" I exclaimed. Anything to get me away from that harlot of a nurse.
My parents came in and the nurse finally left. They asked what happened after my dad beat me with a spotted dick for breaking his phone. I told them everything.
"I can't believe you wanted to shag Jeff, you absolute tit!" My mum said.
"So, have you heard anything about Jeff's condition?" I asked.
"Not a clue." Said me dad. "We just got here as soon as we heard about what happened to you."
"How did you know I was here?" I asked.
"The hospital called us, you dolt." Mum said.
I looked at the open doorway and saw a couple standing there. My parents followed my gaze and saw them, too.
"Excuse me, but is this Jane Gruber's room?" The woman asked.
"Right." My mother answered. "What are you after?"
"I'm Margret. This is Peter, my husband." She gestured to the man beside her. "We're Jeff's parents."
"Well, I'm Isabelle. This is my husband, Hans, and our daughter, Jane." Mum gestured to me. I sat up in my bed.
"So, you're the girl who ran in with the fire extinguisher." Margret said.
"Yes." I replied quietly, embarrassed. "Is your son alright?"
"He just came out of surgery a few hours ago. The doctors said he will be fine and he'll recover from his concussion."
I relaxed at that thought. "Bloody good. Listen, I know what really happened to Jeff and Liu on their first day of school..." Then, I told Jeff's parents about what really happened to Jacob and his wank-stains.
"We had no idea that Jeff was capable of something like this." Peter said.
"I am willing to squeal that Liu didn't beat up anyone and that Jeff only gave Jacob and his ruffians a proper wrecking in self-defense."
"No need." said Margret. "Liu is being released from borstal after what happened to those boys."
"Jolly good." I said.
"We just came by to thank you for trying to help our son, Jane. I've always thought the only way to stop a fire was with car keys."
I blushed. "I did anything I could think of. It's commonly known that you can stop fires by throwing random crap at it."
"Well, the least we can do is invite you over to our place for dinner when Jeff gets out of the hospital." Margret said. I looked at mum and dad with puppy eyes, hoping to get my chance with Jeff.
"Cheers, love. We'll be there." My mum said. I was smiling.
"It's settled, then! We'll call you as soon as Jeff gets out of the hospital." We said our goodbyes and they left.
Two days later, I was allowed to be released from the hospital. During that time, I had no contact with Jeff or his family, but I heard that Liu was released from borstal and Jeff was still healing.
When I got back to school, I became the center of attention (Because I was the one who threw a fire extinguisher at Jeff's head), but the only people I told about what happened were my mates; Eva, Oskar, and Rommel.
"Sounds like that Yankee cunt got his arse handed to him." Said Eva. She had blonde hair and blue eyes. She was the most level-headed of us. Her cousin, Fegelein, introduced us when I was in Year 5.
"Well, at least he went down fighting like a true Aryan. I heard he took those schweinhunds to the hospital with him." Rommel snickered. He always dressed like he was from the 40's or something. Gray soldat outfit and like five iron crosses.
"He also took Jane to the hospital. Maybe she was trying to beat him up, too." Oskar laughed. He seemed to be the "Pure Aryan" of our little group. He had blonde hair, blue eyes, and some sort of Gestapo hat on.
"I told you, you wanker. I went over there to try and help Jeff because something was wrong." I muttered. I was the "Top-Dog Fuhrer" with piercing, blue eyes and short, black hair.
"Or maybe... You wanted to see your lover one last time!" Eva said in her dramatic voice.
I just looked at her with my eyes the size of roundabouts.
"Wha... What?"
"You can't deny it, Jane Gruber! You fancy Jeff!"
Every blood cell in my body decided to migrate to my face at once when she said that (Like I said before, I was a living anime caricature). I knew it was true, but didn't want to admit it.
"What?! No! I j-just wanted to help him, that's all!"
We were near band class as they were playing a rendition of "O Fortuna", which heightened the melodrama of what was happening.
"Stop lying, you scoundrel! I saw you leave that note on his desk! What was it? A proposal to preserve the Aryan race?"
"No! It was nothing like that at all! I was just-"
"So, you admit that you left him a note then!"
"What do you mean?"
"I was guessing." She gave me a cheeky cunt smile and just waited for my response.
The others started laughing at me.
"Jane, it's only a joke! I was just kidding!" Eva smiled.
"Your face is more red than the Soviets!" Rommel cackled.
"You what, mate? You all having a giggle? I swear to Christ, I'll fuckin' wreck you cunts." I grumbled.
"Oh, stop being so serious!" Oskar put a hand on my shoulder. "Come, mein fuhrer, let's get to class."
The weeks went by and everything seemed to be normal. Liu even made a few friends. Everything was proper and nothing happened... until that day.
"Excuse me. Your name is Jane, right?" A racist-sounding voice called behind me. I turned around and looked. It was Liu.
"Oi, yeah. What are you after?" I responded.
He looked a little uncomfortable. Then again, so was I. "Look, my parents wanted me to let you know that Jeff is getting his bandages removed in a few days, so expect a phone call about dinner."
"Oh. Well, cheers." I said.
He was about to turn away. I then said, "Hey, listen, what you did for Jeff... that was really pointless drama."
"Thanks. I heard you threw a fire extinguisher at my brother's head. He had it coming."
"Yeah? Well, cheers. See you around, I guess."
"Yeah, sayonara."
I was watching him walk away when I heard a little voice behind me say, "Buggering behind your boyfriend's back, are you?"
"The fuck?!" I turned around, surprised. It was Eva.
"And with his younger, non-pure brother!" She fake gasped.
"Fick dich!" I yelled. Then, I turned my head to be sure Liu didn't hear me; he was long gone.
"Lets just get to class." I grumbled.
Two days passed. The phone was ringing in my home; mum answered it. A few minutes later, she hung up and approached me.
"Jeff is getting out of the hospital today, Jane." She told me.
"Jolly good!" I said, looking back at her.
"It looks like we'll be having free dinner tonight!" She chuckled. We lived in a castle built over a swamp at the time.
A few hours passed. I saw Jeff's family pull up to their house across the street. I decided to watch out of curiosity, to see what he would look like. His dad got out, then his mum, then Liu. They had one of those clown cars, at the time. Feeling bored, I was about to bugger off, but Jeff finally stepped out with his new appearance. He had long, black hair down to his shoulders with white, leathery skin, and that smile... that was the same smile I saw after he beat up Jacob, Toby, and Matt. I couldn't believe it... he was beautiful. Jeff turned and looked right into my eyes. I could feel those eyes burn right into my soul. I heard a Peter Cetera song play in my head.
I still swoon from the memory as I type this.
He seemed to be looking at me for what felt like hours with that smile until he looked away. I saw him walk into the house with his parents. I didn't even breathe until that door finally closed behind them. He was perhaps the purest Aryan I had ever laid me eyes on. My parents came into the living room and asked me what was wrong. My only reply was a long, loud, orgasmic scream. Then, I fainted.
When I finally woke up, it was evening. My parents weren't in their bedroom. The castle was deathly quiet, but there were some cunts on mopeds, driving about the place outside. I got up and went downstairs to the kitchen. The lights were on, which was unusual. It was unusual because they were light bulbs instead of candles and burning rodents. There was a note on the table. I picked it up and read it.
"Aren't you coming to dinner? Your mates are here, too."
I began to shake violently. I dropped the paper. I went to the living room window and looked out. The lights were on in Jeff's house. I knew that I had to go there, but I was terrified out of my mind... I wasn't wearing a proper dress for dinner. Embarrassed and mortified, I shook my head and looked back again. I saw Jeff leaning on the window in his house, staring at me with a Bedfordshire clanger in his hand and tapping it against the window.
Squish. Squish. Squish.
He was still smiling.
Squish. Squish. Squish.
I started backing away from the window, never taking my eyes off of him and forming a heart with my hands. He had that creeped-out look again. Then, I turned and ran upstairs to my room to get a proper dress for dinner. I ran back into the kitchen. When I peaked out of the kitchen to look out the window, all I saw were jellied eels being thrown at the glass.
I turned around and looked at the kitchen. Everything seemed to be in its place, even the bouquet of flowers. I grabbed the bouquet and held on tight. Then, I found the phone and tried to dial his house, but the phone line was disconnected. So, there was only one choice. To go have dinner with Jeff alone and hope that I don't blow it.
I clutched the bouquet tighter, went to put on my finest shoes, and walked out the door. My hand lingered on the doorknob as I stepped outside, but I knew what I had to do. I let go of the doorknob, let down the drawbridge, and walked across the street to Jeff's house. Those little cunts on their Vespas were gone.
As I got closer to the front door, I began slowing down. My palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy, and I started to breathe faster & shallower; spooky spaghetti. Before I knew it, I was standing completely still on the doorstep, panting like a dog; my womanhood tingling. I took a deep breath, grabbed the doorknob, squeezed my eyes shut, and wanked it open.
"You made it, love! Glad you could come over!" I opened my eyes.
His eyes were large and unblinking. His smile was smeared with black pudding. His mouth and clothes were stained with Bedfordshire clanger and jellied eel. The bloody twat started without me! Then, I passed out again.
When I woke up, I was at a dining room table. When I looked around, my bouquet was put in a lovely vase and I saw people sitting at the table. They were my parents, Jeff's parents, Liu, and my mates. Their clothes were stained beyond repair with Bedfordshire clanger and they had smiles smeared onto their faces. The smell was unlike anything I had ever smelled before. It was the smell of I Am King by Sean John.
I tried to scream, but I had a gag in my mouth and I was tied to a chair. I looked around the room in disbelief. Tears were welling up in my eyes from the sight of the bodies and the smell of horrible celebrity-endorsed cologne.
"Look who's finally awake." I turned and looked beside me. Jeff was there. Suddenly, he was beside me with a jellied eel up to my face. I was about to scream.
"Hush, love. It's not polite to scream at guests." He began sliding the eel across my cheeks. I melted as he did this. When I turned away from him, he held the back of my head and made me look at the bodies. "There, there, don't be rude."
I looked back at everyone with their chests still stained with fresh Bedfordshire clanger. Hot tears began running down my face and I began to sob as I finally noticed the menorah on the table.
"Aww. What's wrong, love?" Jeff purred, "Don't I make you randy?"
I looked at him, trying to understand what he said. Jeff finally put the pieces together and found out about my being.
"Oh, you're one of those people. Well, you seem like a lovely woman, but I'm... Jewish." My eyes widened and my heart broke. "But I think we could still make this work. Hell, the fanbase will probably draw pictures and write fanfics of us shagging. What do you say?" He then slid the gag off of me.
I spat out the gag and looked at him straight in his eyes, trying to hold his gaze. He tilted his head to the side as he looked back at me. Then, I closed my eyes and looked away from him.
I muttered darkly, "Get fucked." I looked at him again. "You Heath Ledger fanboy, juden traitor of the Aryan race!"
He just laughed at me. "I swear, you are one cheeky cunt, love." He responded.
I just glared at him. "Say that shit to me face again, Jeff, and we'll see what happens. You shut your mouth or I swear to Goebbels, I'll hook you in the gabba. If I live after this, I'll call me homeboys to prepare for a proper rumble, the rumble that'll make your nan sore just thinking about it. You're gonna be in a proper mess, ya nob head."
"You what, love?" He said. He came closer to me. I looked away again, feeling his breath against my skin.
"Mates do mates favours, right? Well, I'm going to do a favour for you."
I felt him let go of the back of my head. When I looked back, he was out of the room. I looked back at the table once more, taking it all in. Fresh tears started to form again as I started feeling conflicted.
"Oh Jeff, meine Schnucki. I love you... but I hate you... but I love you..." I was still crying when Jeff came back.
"Don't cry, love." He said. "It'll be all over soon."
I looked at him and saw that he was holding a jug of London Porter and a barrel of Buckfast. My eyes widened.
"I didn't have any Worcestershire sauce, so this will have to do."
Then, he began to douse me in London Porter and Buckfast.
"We better hurry, Jane. I've already called the firemen."
Then, he held up a single match, lit it, and threw it at me. The flames erupted as soon as the match came into contact with me. I screamed loudly. What a kinky fucker. The taste of the Buckfast was unbearable. I could feel the flesh melting off me body; the London Porter and Buckfast being absorbed through every pore.
Before I blacked out, I heard Jeff laughing. "See you later, love! I hope we can start shagging soon! FOOTBALL! FOOTBAAAAAALLLLL!!!"
Then, everything went black.
When I woke up, I was sitting in a gurney, bandaged from head to toe. Everything was spinning; it hurt to blink and breathe. I groaned loudly. The Buckfast fucked me up. A nurse came in a few minutes later.
"Jane? Can you hear me?"
I looked at the nurse. The "nurse" had long, black hair and black borders around the eyes. The room started spinning even more.
"Jane, I'm your nurse, Jef- er, I mean Jackie. I don't know how to say this, but you family died in the fire. I'm sorry."
Tears started falling down my face again. I sobbed.
"Don't cry, love. You won't be able to breathe if you do."
I couldn't stop.
"Jane, I'm going to give you something to help you calm down. Alright?"
I felt something run into my blood stream; I fell asleep again. It was that bloody Buckfast again.
When I woke up again, I was able to move and my body wasn't as bandaged as it was when I first woke up. I looked around and saw that my room had flowers in it.
Some were fresh, some were dying. I tried to get up, but a legit nurse came in and set me back down.
"Easy, Jane. You've been asleep for a while. Try to take it easy."
I tried to speak. My voice came out rough, and sand-papery; like glass scraping against concrete. "How... how long was I asleep?"
"Almost 2 weeks. You were put in a coma, so that your body could heal. Then, some imposter came in with a barrel of tonic wine, pumping it all in your bloodstream."
"Give me a mirror." I said.
"Jane, I don't think that's-"
"GET ME A MIRROR, YA CUNT!"
I felt the handle of a mirror slip onto my hand. When I looked into the mirror, I dropped in onto the floor because this story is actually set in a glitchy Playerunknown's Battleground session. The shattering of the mirror didn't compare to the shattering of my pretentious use of metaphors. My skin was leathery and brown, no longer the beautiful Aryan skin I once possessed. I looked almost worse than Jeff.
Everything came flooding back for me. I began to cry harder than I ever had before. That turncoat cunt ruined my pure Aryan features. The nurse was hugging me, but it didn't help at all. She was indirectly damaging my skin. By the time I was done, I could barely speak. Someone came into the doorway. "Excuse me, I have a delivery for a 'Miss Gruber'?"
"I'll take those." The nurse stood up and went to the doorway. I didn't want the delivery guy to look at me, so I stared at the wall in front of me.
"Someone certainly cares about you, Jane. It looks like the same person who sent you all these flowers got you a package, too."
I looked at her. She was holding a pink package tied with brown string. I reached out and took it from her. The second I took that package from her, I knew it was from him.
"By the way, nurse, I'm feeling peckish. Could I have something to eat?" I asked as sweetly as possible.
"Of course, I'll get you some food right away." The nurse smiled back, then left the room.
My hands shook as I grabbed the string and pulled it. The top of the box lightly opened up and I saw something that figuratively (not literally) turned my blood to fire. It was a white mask with black around the eyes and a black feminine smile with a swastika on the forehead. It also had black lace with two blue irises, each in the middle of the holes, covering the eye holes of the mask. There was also a black, leather jacket with a Gestapo hat, a black corset, black gloves, and a blonde wig with beautiful curls. Along with all these things, there was a bouquet of black roses, a Bedfordshire clanger, and a black pudding.
Attached to the mask, there was also a note:
'''Jane,''
''I am deeply sorry that I messed up your beautiful Aryan skin. So, I gave you a mask that will let you seem beautiful until you get better. Also, have a Bedfordshire clanger. The pudding's also bloody wicked.''
''-Jeff
"Jeff... meine Schnucki. You DO care." I started crying tears of joy.
By the time the nurse came back, the present was hidden under my bed. I told her all that was there was the flowers. She seemed to be disgusted by them, so she threw them out. I thanked her for that, but I felt bad for it.
That night, when everyone was either asleep or gone home, I sneaked out. The only thing I had to wear was that outfit. So, I put it on and found a pair of knee-high boot heels in the hallway. I wore the wig and Gestapo hat. I also nicked a pair of Groucho Marx novelty glasses from the gift shop to look less conspicuous.
I didn't know where I was going, and I didn't care. When I finally stopped walking, I was in front of a cemetery. I went inside and found two tombstones. Isabelle and Hans Gruber. I sat down in front of their tombstones and cried once more. When I finally sat up, the sun was beginning to rise as I suddenly realised that I forgot about my prescription skin creme, but I didn't care. Buckfast was now my blood, so I was feeling even more fucked up. I took the mask and put it on. Then, I picked up the Bedfordshire clanger and held it tight. I turned around and looked at the rising sun. On that day, I swore to find Jeff the Killer and fuck his brains out- I mean... give him a proper rumble.
I will find you, Jeff, and we will shag... for we must preserve the master race.
Now, I must fuck off. Me homeboys and I have some dust bins in Shaftesbury to knock over. Maybe me homeboys and I can find some Algae Wafers to lure Jeff.